Episode 4 “The Cryme Ring”

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episode-4
To start off, I want to let you all know that there is no super hero manual. I stepped into my new role and took a freight train of terror straight to the chest. Dropping me to my knees while gasping for breath and being ran over for at least 2 hours, slowly grinding me into a pile of a messed up, mind-mangled, sleep-deprived parent. There are no trade-ins and no refunds.  I probably will have a never-ending bill from the hospital. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I realize I will probably be wrong most of the time and the rules will change a hundred different ways each day (Nothing different than having a wife untitled). So what would do you do? Sleeping is out of the question and there’s no room for magical fairy juice to drink and make everything better. I’ve heard it and now I believe it.  There’s a little thing they like to call “survival mode” here in the twin cities.

I’m going back to the first week, when the villains hit the streets of #dadville (came home from the NICU, same difference. Little twin terrors, I mean twincesses!) I found out about my new identity and apparently my wife’s new identity as well. We knocked out Starvation Scream with the amazing milk cannons. And by we, I mean my wife did all the work and I took half the credit. What a site to see!  As you can tell, I like things in pairs. Face With Tears Of Joy Emoji (Twitter Version)Face With Tears Of Joy Emoji (Twitter Version)Face With Tears Of Joy Emoji (Twitter Version)  We celebrated our win but didn’t realize there would be multiple villains in the streets. Waiting for us, mostly at night, staring us down and like I said before, there is no manual to this insanity of street cleaning upping.  Ok, just keep reading at this point…

It was dark (I mean nights are always dark, for the most part) but this was darker than normal for a normal dark night. Probably because we were working under cover(s).  Alactate and myself decided to keep watch as we always do when we are working it.  Trying to be quiet as to not to wake up any sleeping villians. We were flirt fighting our way down 3rd base street and we heard a noise outside the door (I meant we were on 3rd street, there aren’t any doors there). We decided to ignore the noise and got back to conducting business (and by conducting business, let’s just say I had my business socks half off and I was making deals). The noise kept getting louder, and no, it wasn’t Alactate. We decided we had to take action, just not in the action I was expecting.  It was the leader of the Cryme Ring family that decided to pay us a visit.  We were still under cover(s) and I could barely see past Alactate’s milk cannons.  We made out a dark shapeless face. It went on to say, “Listen hear Mother Fathers, I own the cryme ring in this city and I will own all you Mother Fathers, like I always have. Just because you took out Starvation Scream, doesn’t mean you can take out my entire Cryme family.” A second later it vanished into thin air.  We were questioning our sanity, as our sleep deprivation from cleaning the streets the nights before had kept us from performing very well. (by performing well…) It was a few minutes..  Ok, a few seconds… and we were off on home stretch.  “This was a decent finish”, we thought to ourselves, “How bad could this cryme ring be?”  If we only knew…  Until next time.

 

Episode 3 “The Plot Thickens”

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episode-3

??? The days went on and I started to question everything. I kept having flashbacks. Multiple strange rooms, test tubes, rubber gloves, needles… What do these flashbacks mean and where does this strange ooze come into the story? Then it hit me like a kick in the danglies. ??? I’d heard rumors of a man by the name of Doc S.  He had been notorious in this city for creating villains and is known all over the world for his procedures.  It had to be Doc S behind all of this. I was definitely drugged (ok, drug into this). I came to the conclusion that Doc S and Alactate were in on it. I figured the best way to get information from a woman is go start an argument with her and tell her it’s all her fault. So I jumped into the room and told Alactate, “You did this to me”.  To my surprise, she just started to ramble on and on again, rather than argue; I don’t know which one is worse. This time I actually listened for as long as my attention span would allow (I’m sure I’ve gained the maturity of a 10-year old boy by now.  Believe me, it’s improved).  She went on to tell me that she teamed up with the infamous Doc S and used my DNA – that strange ooze – in a lab along with her harvested eggs to create little frozen villainous embryos. They would later be implanted and attached to her uterus wall… (huhh??…) This means she made the villains and extracted my man juice in the process???!! ??? I composed myself and she went on. She never knew it would spawn multiple villains that would terrorize the twin cities. She explained it was 7 years of crying month in and month out, ??? and that other future Super Moms out there may be going through what she went through. But there is hope and there are multiple options. Team up with Doc S and allow him to come up with his own crazy diabolical plan… ??? So there it is. I can’t be crazy all the time. So I’ll leave this episode at this. If you are going through hell trying to create your own villains, there is hope and there are options. First step is going to see the nearest Doc in your city. Get ready to be drugged husbands! Well, drug into your own crazy, awesome #Dadventure.

Here’s to all you SuperMoms, SuperDads, and FUTURE  SuperMoms & SuperDads!

Episode 2.5 “Rise of Alactate”

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2-5

(This is the continued rambling of a delusional “Super Dad”)… I let my wife know the situation is not safe.  Starvation Scream was overpowering me.  I muttered, “I’m the strongest of super heroes in this twin city and I know I can go back and face this head on!”, even as bruised and emotionally scarred that I was.  She assured me she had this under control and there was no need for me to be defeated again.  She had me take a few deep breaths as she unveiled her real identity and her plan.  Her new name was Alactate.  She wasn’t always a super hero, but a strange ooze she came in contact with one day made her this way.  Face With Tears Of Joy Emoji (Twitter Version)Face With Tears Of Joy Emoji (Twitter Version)Face With Tears Of Joy Emoji (Twitter Version)  Anyways, she went on to say that after months of strange food cravings, stretching pains, mood swings (holy crap there were a ton of those), and total annihilation of the va… (I won’t go there for the sake of not being killed by Alactate).. she gave birth to her new identity.  She continued to describe her story in prolonged detail (or at least it seemed that long… She probably was nagging me, blaming me, etc etc.. I don’t really know since I tuned her out about 2 minutes into it).  However, these few words stuck out to me like a pair of hoohas directly in the face.  She explained, “There are more to my jug cannons than meets the eye.  These weapons will surely defeat Starvation Scream.” (Wait.. what???!!)  After I froze from the initial shock of it all, she continued her story.   All I remember from that point was: what once were mine would now be ripped from my hands. I let her know I did marry her for her amazing cannons, but I never knew they served a purpose other than my own.  I came to grips with all of this (and by came to grips… you know). I decided to be a man about it and let them go for now.  Was I about to allow Starvation Scream to take over the city all day and all night?  Besides, even the greatest of superheroes have sidekicks, right? And mine happens to have the finest pair of milk launchers in town! (Evil laugh.. wait, I’m the good guy.. Happy evil laugh.. totally better untitleduntitleduntitled)  I thought to myself, “This is the perfect scenario.”  Before I could say another word, she gripped her blouse with both hands and ripped it in half like superwoman on steroids.  It had to be the most amazing, yet terrifying, thing I saw all night. All these years they were mine but now they were launching milk like an extended firehouse putting out the flames of Starvation Scream’s fiery blaze. (They used to fuel the fire of our love furnace. This should be bringing you to tears now, even superheroes get emotional..) So, that’s that. I was defeated earlier in the night, but found out my wife was Alactate: the milk-launching super mom that was created by that strange ooze she came in contact with.  Starvation Scream got what it deserved and will continue to get a mouth full of milk and a belly full of love. (Because it stole all the love that belonged to me.) Of course, I’m not I’m upset, why would I be? 

I’m done, for now… (Stay Tuned)

Episode 3 is called “The Plot Thickens”. There may be more to this Alactate after all…

Episode 2 “Starvation Scream”

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starvation-scream

It was a dark night in Dadville.  I had to keep watch; I knew there would be trouble lurking in the dirty streets.  I smelled it in the air.  This was the night that I would never forget. The night I discovered my super powers. This dude – as in me – was delusional. It may have been the drugs that the wife slipped me in episode 1. This was the first and the worst night actually.  My super powers (or lack thereof) were no match for this next villian.  It’s an embarrassment when you’re a superhero (like I said, delusional) and you lose to your first adversary (self-named superhero=super zero).  But the story must be told and so it begins.  Again…
It started as a screech in the distance.  Tickling the ear drums like nails on a chalk board.  The noise continued and got louder and closer.  What was once a screech was now the sound of a thousand coyotes stuck in a trash compactor.  Not just stuck, but turned on, crushing their bones and stealing their souls, as they were howling for their lives.  Then I faced it head on: Starvation Scream (screams of death and torture).  It was staring me in the face, and no it was not a dream.  I knew, at this point, I had the situation under control. I had what it would take to defeat this villain (And by had, I was about to be exactly that). I froze. I thought, “What the heck am I doing here and what super powers do I have?” I summoned the courage to boldy mumble (almost whimper), “bring it on baby! I can handle you.  You don’t scare me…” Five minutes later, I was cowering in a corner. I was now crying, and I needed to get out before this villian killed me (ok, killed my ear drums).  My next steps where obvious. I could already feel the blood dripping down my ears (ok, it wasn’t that bad, but close enough!).  It hit me – not the villain, but an idea.  The one thing I packed was my moobs (man boobs). (Don’t take everything you read so seriously. #Seriously. ?)   I remembered this lesson from a long time ago. (I think I heard it on a movie). I would pull out the Man Pepperonis and throw them in Starvation Scream’s face. This could be the super power I was waiting for.  All too soon I was defeated, once again. Tired, beat up, and my Man Pepperonis were bruised and sucker punched.  You can’t just milk anything that has nipples, I was wrong.  Thanking myself for ruining my Pepperonis and my life, I came to one conclusion: defeat.  I did what every good superhero would do; I scurried out from the corner and ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction.  Just then I ran into the woman of my dreams (my wife). I had known her for years (and by known her, you know what I mean.. bow chicka bow wow)  I knew she’d have an answer. This was fate.  She could possibly be the one to save the night and the whole city from Starvation Scream.
To be continued…

Episode 1 “Super Dad Awakens”

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episode 1

I swear, last thing I remember is waking up to 2 babies, 2 full diapers, 10 dirty wipes, “spit up” stains, a drained bank account and a pounding headache!  Either I was drugged… or my wife drug me into this…. a spiraling whirlwind of what the heck am I doing and where is my old life?  Not only that, I was told I had to share my wife’s boobs. (what???)  Well, I had a choice.  Embrace it and face the facts or embrace it and face the facts.   So there I was, standing on the edge of the tallest building in Toledo… (Ok, maybe I just grabbed my kitchen stool)  and I put on my super dad cape (my wife’s apron, backwards of course) and I stared #dadversity in the face.  I decided I am now a stay at home dad by day, super dad by night.  Cleaning up the dirty streets (by streets, I mean nasty disgusting diaper loads of baby bombs and blow outs) and taming the wild villians (crying, screaming babies) that steal the night away.  I may be tired by day, but I must keep the streets of #dadville safe at night.  I realized for some reason that I love these little villians with all my heart.  Must be what keeps me going.

I was always told to love the job and to give it 110%.

Here’s to staring #dadversity in the face and to the new #dadventures at hand.

You'll never miss out on a Dad Mom post.  Fricken #dadtastic!

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